Find Phileas

Chapter 16

Phileas meets French resistance

Phileas always felt as if he fitted in India. He simply loved to snack. Phileas couldn't leave home without knowing that a range of delicious snacks would be within constant reach. This led to ridiculously large luggage, and in Chennai a moment of serious panic. Travelling inland along the city's vast rivers towards the Buckingham Canal (a waterway built by the British and presumably going all the way to the palace!), Phileas had suddenly found himself seriously upstream without a snack. His hunger was only magnified by thoughts of delicacies he had left behind in the heat of the busy streets. He imagined swimming against a ferocious river current in an attempt to make it to shore in search of something edible. Then suddenly, within seconds, cool drinks had appeared seemingly from nowhere, accompanied by the most delicious little dish shaped snacks - concave poppadoms flavoured with aromatic Kalonji seeds. "The good people of Chennai have got a snack for every occasion," thought Phileas, "The people of Consett deserve the same."

Tour de Fromage

His hunger and thirst fully sated, Phileas headed for the welcoming shade of a large Banyan tree, lay back against its broad peeling trunk, pulled his hat down over his eyes and drifted off into a dreaming doze. (The concept of 'siesta' was one of Phileas' other great discoveries, and one which he always attempted to enjoy - no matter how briefly - wherever he found himself in the world.)

As his mind wandered, and he sunk into a deeper sleep, Phileas found himself standing under the duller light of a British summer sun, regaled in full cricket whites and bowling to the cricketing legend, W.G. Grace himself on the hallowed turf of Lords! At the very moment that he had just clean bowled the great man, with the crowds in the stands rising to their feet in ecstatic appreciation, Phileas was awakened from his reveries by the distinctive 'knock' of leather on willow.

"Am I still dreaming?" thought Phileas, pushing the brim of his hat back and blinking with watery eyes at the bright Indian sunlight encroaching into the tree's protective shadow. But again Phileas heard the distinctive knock.

"Of course," mused Phileas, "Not only is India famous for its love of snacking, but also for its love of cricket - much like myself!" Phileas, now fully awake, replete and re-energised, leapt nimbly to his feet and peered out along the river to get his bearings as to the source of this distinctive sound. His ears picked up the distant staccato rattle of polite applause being carried on the humid still air. It seemed to be coming from further upriver.

Phileas dusted himself down and set off through the dense overhanging foliage of the centuries-old Banyan trees. Off to his left and set back from the river he glimpsed fleeting images of the broad pillared verandas fronting the 'garden houses' for which this area was renowned. These soon petered out and Phileas emerged from the dappled shadow of the leafy canopy into the blinding sunlight and baking noon-day heat of a clearing, in the centre of which stood the crumbling, faded red-brick walls of an ancient fort. Climbing up a scree of vine-covered fallen masonry, Phileas arrived at its summit and peered over the top of what remained of an intricately crenellated wall into a grassy courtyard beyond.

The overgrown courtyard had been lovingly converted into a Test Match quality cricket pitch! A group of young Indians in their distinctive cricket blues were milling around looking at their watches and gesticulating heatedly to one another. In order to glimpse a better view of the proceedings, Phileas attempted to hitch himself up onto the wall. But the cement was dry and crumbling and the structure itself was weakened due to the intrusion of creepers. The wall gave way beneath him, and Phileas found himself tumbling head over heels down the slope towards the cricket pitch. As the dust settled, and Phileas rubbed his rather bruised behind, he found himself surrounded by the enthusiastic players.

“A-ha! He is here at last. You must be the new umpire!” said one happily and with obvious relief. “We were wondering where you were. We like to hold practice matches away from the prying eyes of the other teams. The only problem is that we’re so well hidden away, the new umpires never seem to be able to find us.” Before Phileas could protest and explain that he was not the person they’d been waiting for, a dozen hands had grabbed him, pulled him to his feet, and before he knew it he was drowning under the weight of what felt like a mountain of cricket sweaters. Not wishing to disappoint and delay their game any longer, Phileas decided to play along with this innocent deception. Besides, cricket was one of his favourite pastimes (second only to snacking!) and he had always wondered why the Indian teams played so superbly on home turf. Phileas thought that perhaps he was being presented with an opportunity to find the answer… “I wonder” he mused, “Maybe they partake of nourishment native to these parts which provides them with their inspiration.” With this in mind, the next few hours passed in enjoyable competition (During a brief interlude in play, Phileas was even given the opportunity to take hold of a bat himself, and face some formidable and world renowned Indian spin bowling).

Afternoon Tea was eventually produced from a makeshift pavilion. Phileas sidled up to the group of perspiring players as they gathered around a silver tray laid on the grass in the centre of the pitch. As he drew close, the player nearest to Phileas turned and presented him with a cup of Earl Grey tea and a plate of…….poppadoms (?). It was Phileas’ moment of epiphany. “Of course!” he exclaimed to himself excitedly as he crunched upon the delicious snacks and again tasted the peppery kick of Kalonjii. “The seeds of the ‘Love-in-the-Mist’ plant. What better way to stimulate the senses and keep one alert without weighing heavily on the stomach.”

A broad smile spread across his face. "Perhaps if I take this recipe home, it'll not only satisfy my ever increasing following of gourmet snackers, but it may even help improve the performance of another certain cricket team I can think of..."

Q: Which Indian first-class cricketer ‘unfortunately’ had to attend his own marriage ceremony?

Submit your answer here.