Find Phileas

Chapter 24

Phileas finds the lightest of touches

"Phileas was heading to a remote ryokan, an ancient Japanese country inn where one escaped the noise and mayhem of Tokyo. He was completing the last leg by scooter with his geisha guide nestled in close behind him. As they made their way along tree-lined roads, she silently directed him, left or right, through a series of sharp tugs on his coat tails. Suddenly, like a jockey pulling the reins of a horse, she abruptly pulled both tails together as an instruction to stop. She then leapt from the seat, unfurled a small mat, placed it on grassy knoll and motioned Phileas to sit. Then from some hidden pocket she produced a selection of crackers, the lightness of which Phileas had never before tasted. Had she felt the rumblings of his stomach whilst gripping him gently round the waist or was it the sight of a nearby shrine, shrouded in mist that inspired her to break? Whatever the answer, Phileas declared the experience nothing short of spiritual and vowed to bring the same lightness of touch to his latest range of gourmet snacks"

Zenned out

Around 20 minutes later, Phileas and his guide pulled into the gravelled ornamental drive of the ryokan, nestled into the mountain side. The view around the peninsula was stunning. Below they could see fine beaches, high cliffs and tumbling surf. It seemed like a million miles from the sensory overload of Tokyo, yet he'd been travelling for under an hour.

Phileas kicked off his shoes in the entrance lobby and selected the biggest pair of flip-flops he could find. Suddenly a swarm of staff bustled into the room, bid him good evening - "konban wa" - and bowed so low that their noses almost touched the floor. Phileas repeated the phrase and the gesture as best he could, choosing to hold his beloved stove-pipe hat firmly on his head as he bent his torso forward towards the ground. A woman who was clearly the manager of the inn then spoke at length with Phileas' guide, presented her with a bundle of clothes and ushered both of them towards the back of the pavilion where Phileas' sleeping quarters could be found.

In the beautifully minimal room, lined with bamboo mats and furnished with nothing more than a futon, a small writing desk and a solitary lily in a vase, the geisha began to explain to Phileas the etiquette and traditions of kaiseki - Japan's ceremonial haute cuisine dining experience. He must wash (really wash!) before dinner, dress in traditional costume and observe the fundamental do's' and don'ts' when eating - there being far more of the latter than the former. Always pour your geisha some sake after she has poured it for you. Do not point your chopsticks at anyone. Do not drown your sushi in soy sauce. Do not tread on the wooden edges of the bamboo mats, and don't show anyone the soles of your feet. She then proceeded to demonstrate the way to dress in the clothes provided and showed him the equally minimal bathroom, which contained a rectangular cedar tub and a small stool piled high with towels. A collection of brushes and pumices sat in a nearby wooden pail - the idea being to scrub yourself to within an inch of your life.

It takes a lot to make the Japanese giggle at people dressed in their native costume, but when Phileas pulled back the screens of the dining room, even the more serious geishas could see the funny side. The blue and white kimono-like yukata billowed around him. His arms emerged like sticks from an outer jacket with ridiculously short sleeves and the knot on the belt, which he had clumsily tied, protruded from his chest. On his feet were a pair of two-toed white socks which overhung the front of his sandals by at least two inches. When combined with his top hat, the whole outfit made Phileas resemble a scarecrow that had been given a make-over by an avant-garde fashion designer. Then as Phileas tried walking towards the low dining table, giggles turned into stifled belly-laughs. The yukata was so restrictive around his legs that Phileas had to take short, scampering steps. Sitting down with his legs crossed beneath the dining table took at least ten minutes, punctuated by the occasional curse and the sound of joints crunching.

However, Phileas' discomfort disappeared within minutes of the banquet commencing. The extraordinary delicacy of the food proved to be the ultimate distraction and the endless cups of sake, poured with a gentle smile by his geisha, extinguished all worries he had about losing the sensation in his legs (and the prospect of never walking properly again). Three hours and twenty four courses later the meal was over. All that remained was another exhibition of geisha brilliance. Suddenly, in a whirlwind of abrupt orders and choreographed movements, the dining table was plucked from over his legs and two geishas placed each of his arms around their necks. After one of them had whispered "ichi, ni, san" (1, 2 3) they lifted Phileas to his feet in unison and hauled him away gracefully towards his bedroom, their backs arched under the weight, his legs dragging diagonally behind him like a shop dummy. Phileas hit the futon with a gentle thud and slept like a contented baby for what seemed like an eternity.

Q: On which peninsula is Phileas staying?

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